Grade 11, Basa Combined School
Father had always been absent in my life. I never knew the perspective of what a man is from a man himself. Mother had never told me the story of how they met. I am yet to be a father. But what have I become? I can’t even look after myself — how much more an entire family?
I was young. I didn’t know what I was doing. Father had abused mother in every way one could imagine. He abused her physically, emotionally and mentally. When she told the story of how everything happened you could see the pain in her eyes.
“I had met your father back in high school and he was the most gentle, handsome and loving man I had ever met. We were the Hamlet and Ophelia of the school. There wasn’t any word in the dictionary to describe what we had. Son, your father was a good man but after he lost his father, things changed.
“He became angrier, more aggressive and more violent. I had never seen that side of him before. I remember the first time he laid his hand on me. I was in shock; I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I stood there still as if I were dead. I had a huge lump in my throat, and I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. I sat there and wondered that if he had reacted so aggressively to me forgetting to make him lunch, how would he react if he found out I was pregnant? It was at that moment I remembered Mother telling me how men were a waste of time, how they came into women’s lives to destroy. She had warned me about Themba, but I refused to listen. I was so convinced that he was my soulmate. I was convinced that he was perfect, and he had no flaw. As I sat there in tears, my head was clustered with so many thoughts; I couldn’t even move.
He went on to say that I was the cause of his father’s death. I don’t blame him though. If he hadn’t been with me that night, he would’ve saved his father. He made me feel like I was the cause of his unstable mental health and loneliness. I really wondered where the Themba was that wrote me love poems, that carried my bag for me and that made sure that I went home with a smile on my face every day.
“Finally, the day came when I told him I was pregnant. Now, you’d imagine he would be the happiest human ever, but actually, it was the exact opposite. I remember his words vividly.
“His response was, ‘How can you go on and be pregnant when I’m going through so much?’ My smile dropped in an instant and at that point I knew I was married to a man with a lack of vision. Could he not see how much I cared? Could he not see how this affected me as well? I had given up my whole life to choose some teenage love story over a better future. I broke and couldn’t control the words coming out of my mouth, ‘Gosh, Themba, does everything have to be about you? We are about to bring a child into this world and all you think about is some trauma you’ve been experiencing for way too long now!’ And I’m sure you don’t even have to guess his reaction to those words. I slept that night praying for him to change and for a better life. I couldn’t run back home — Mother wouldn’t dare help me after committing such a terrible sin. I tried to make him change his ways. I tried to show him that there was still hope, but the abuse I had experienced was greater than the patience I had. I guess it’s true what people say: people choose to solve the person, not to solve the problem caused by the person. Son, no one deserves to go through what I’ve been through. Trying to control someone or their life is abuse on its own.
“So, my son, you posed the question, ‘What is a man?’ Well, a man is a protector — he is the head of the house. He decides what is best for the entire family. The man is the one who must ensure that everyone is taken care of. A man has the strength to do anything that requires physical strength.
A man is the one who has the knowledge to solve any problem at hand. A man is the one who knows not to abuse women. A man knows how to take accountability for his actions and apologise when he is wrong. A man knows when to seek guidance from someone, even if it is a woman. But Son… a woman can be a man too.”